A Mindful Fed (Part 3)

Facing forward, staying present

There are certain things that really sting about all this. Many of my friends and co-workers face:

·         No income, but no vacation from obligations.

·         Limited short-term options.

·         Uncertainty.

·         Bad news from the media every few minutes.

·         Lack of sympathy or support from family, friends, acquaintances, or strangers.

·         Negativity from all the political rhetoric surrounding us and the event.

Mindfully, there are some things I can do to make it through this crisis:

·         Find some income where possible. It will take some mix of ingenuity and chance, but there may be ways to cobble together enough to stay afloat.

·         Accept that there are parts of this crisis which are simply beyond my ability to do anything about. That’s refreshing, because it frees me from the anxiety over those things. I only need to be concerned with things I have some control over.

·         Stay away from negativity as much as possible. The more negativity I allow in, the more it becomes a part of me. It saps my positive energy, like electrons neutralizing protons.

·         Encourage others. As much positivity as I allow to flow into others, that’s just a little more strength they gain to deal with this mess. The more positive attitudes I encourage, the less negative ones gain strength.

·         Stay neutral. There are many views as to who is to blame in this crisis. Blame is just a way people have of focusing their negative energy and attitudes in a particular direction. It’s an effort to relieve them of the negative pressure created from anxiety and the unknown. But blame never solves a bloody thing. It doesn’t matter what one person or another did to lead us to this point. Even if someone did have all the responsibility, it wouldn’t mean a darned thing: we’d still be in this mess. Might as well not worry about pointing fingers.

·         Stay non-judgmental. Neutrality is great, but not practicable for a lot of folks. They have very firm views, and they are personally invested in matters. As things stand they can’t remain neutral. But there’s no value in judging those who have different views than I do. They have their views, I have mine. One of us may be right, maybe the other, maybe neither of us, maybe both of us a little bit. People deserve respect and we deserve peace no matter the positions we take.

·         Stay present. No matter what has happened, it’s unchangeably done and over. Unless someone has a time machine, it’s staying that way. Leave the past in the past or it will just make a muddle of your present. Likewise, the future is unknown, and people hate that. But seriously, since it’s pages in the book of life that haven’t been written yet, the most we can do is make the best decisions with all the wisdom, integrity, and intuition we can manage so that the future pages are the brightest we personally can make them.

·         Face forward. It’s tempting to look back wishfully, or get distracted by the wrangling going on around us. It’s going to be more efficient to face forward and stay the course. A ship at sea will turn into large waves to avoid being tipped over and scuttled. We need to turn into the waves of life to avoid being tipped over and perhaps sinking beneath the waves.

·         Deal with anxiety triggers. I’ve had to do breathing exercises and maintain something resembling a routine to stop or prevent intrusive negative thoughts. Since the anxiety of others can increase mine, the more I can help relieve theirs where possible, the easier we all breathe.

A Mindful Fed (Part 2)

A Federal Myth, a Federal Reality

For years I’ve worked on assignments at home for free, because things need to be done but there’s not enough time for them to be accomplished during the regular 8 hour day. I’ve helped co-workers, members of the public, and the occasional headquarters staff person in keeping processes and instructions consistent, understandable, and applied. I’ve trouble-shot systemic and procedural issues. I’ve enjoyed the job.

Nowadays, with all the negativity around the Federal workplace, there’s not much joy for me in my job. A lot of folks who aren’t government workers assume I have a cushy job, great pay, huge benefits, and lots of ego. Instead, after 25 years I have an uncertain future, casual acquaintances sneering disdainfully at me in misunderstanding, fewer benefits that cost more than ever…

…and less than $33,000 per year to show for it. Not exactly what the media portrays, is it?

I’m maxed out at my income level, and unless I get another job (hard to do with a hiring freeze all over), I will stay at this income for a long time. We haven’t even had a minimum cost-of-living increase for years. There are many reports of government spending and high incomes floating around the ether. Well, I can promise that most of us who work for the government stare in shocked amazement at those reports right along with most of the public.

While depression and anxiety descends on my Federal family, I’m struggling to deal with my own realities and there isn’t a lot of sympathy out there. So many around me focus on the negative, the news reports of a broken government and selfish political maneuvering, that I fall through the cracks with my employer and my neighbors at the same time.

How do I deal with this?

Mindfully, if at all possible.

A Mindful Fed (Part 1)

Hey, did ya hear? The Federal government shut down. Yeah, no really. Just up and shut the doors.

And right now it’s really starting to pinch.

In March 2013 I received my 25 year award. I didn’t get money. I didn’t get time off. I didn’t get a party.

I did get a plaque, a certificate, and an e-mail congratulating me on being a dedicated and faithful employee for the last quarter or a century. A co-worker got her 40 year award at the same time. We've spent some time serving our nation and its people.

The award came right up against the news that we were going to start having furlough days: for one or two days per month we would be ordered to stay away from the workplace and forbidden to engage in any official duties or act in any official capacity.

We tightened our belts and made adjustments, but no matter how many concessions we made locally, we were only able to limit the number of furlough days. Then October 1 came along. As of this writing, I’ve been off work for 2 weeks without any income. And there is very little good news on the horizon.

Sure, we’ve been told we’ll get paid for this time once the budget gets put in place. But that will be a lump sum check, and until then we have bills to pay, groceries to buy, roofs to keep over our heads. Our children need school lunch money. Our family members need medicines. Our loved ones need us to provide security and we just don’t have very much of that at the moment.

What about those who applied for unemployment? Well around these parts, as soon as we get our Federal paycheck, those folks will have to pay all of that back right away. After taxes are taken out, of course.

Perhaps we could just get a part-time job. We have guidelines about that too. We can’t just take any old job opportunity while we’re still technically employed by the Federal government, and in many cases we need to fill out a form to request permission to get outside employment before we can get that job.

Then there are the poor folks who are ordered to report to work almost daily without getting a cent for gas to drive to the campus (particularly rough for folks who live 30 or more minutes away). I know of at least one instance where an employee drove to work, was told to do something, and then told to go home 15 minutes later. Those deemed “Essential” occasionally feel worse than those who just stay in bed without pay.

In many ways, it’s like I’ve been in a relationship for 25 years, and even though things have been rocky lately, I took it in stride. What relationship doesn’t have troubles sometimes?

Well I’ve discovered that while my “partner” of 25 years has been telling me how much they love me, when the chips are down it turns out I’m really just a guy they know. And that kinda stings.

Mindfulness and My 4D Life - Part 7 (Time to get help?)

Should I get help?

The real problems come when the episodes go beyond Acute or Chronic to being Severe or Non-stop. At that point, the human mind will often have that Fight or Flight response kick in.

In Flight, the person may try to run from the experience. Maybe they stay away from all people for unreasonable lengths of time. Perhaps their moods just drop into the darkest regions and refuse to budge. They may try alcohol, drugs, anything to distract themselves from the sudden feelings of isolation, fear, unrealness, disconnection, hopelessness, emptiness.

In Fight, the person may take it upon themselves to force a connection. Violent outbursts to provoke reactions from others might prove the connection is still there because "I did something that had a demonstrable effect on the people or world around me." Violence against myself might be an effort to seek connection through pain.

Or in the ultimate Fight AND Flight reaction, a person might decide to choose the Great Beyond as their new environment. If my reaction to the episode is so titanic, I might become the Titanic and slip permanently under the waves of hopelessness.

If you start having episodes like these, where you find yourself losing that connection to yourself or the rest of creation, a professional evaluation might be the ticket you need to come to grips with them. I shy away from simple on-line questionnaires because they are often skewed towards one interpretation of symptoms or another. A trained person can include more data than what you click Yes or No for.

If your episodes are getting debilitating, or your reactions are getting more extreme, I beg you to seek help. In many parts of the USA (especially my region of the Midwest), there is huge cultural resistance to getting psychological help. It is met with derision and negativity, as is the person seeking the help. Shoot, folks have been known to suffer alone simply because the pain and fear of being stigmatized as “crazy” is too much for them.

What you decide is your business, of course. But let me say in conclusion how I feel about it:

I’ve been called many things in my life designed to hurt me. People have formed opinions about me that were not based on how I really am. I have been threatened and bullied, emotionally abused and mentally manipulated. Screw ‘em.

My brain, my life. I don’t care whether others like it or not, I’ve got some issues and I’m going to get better. I’m not going to hide them under a rug or in a back room behind a locked door. I’m going to be better. I’m going to be okay. They won’t, because they enjoy judging and ridiculing others. I’m going to be the master of my issues; those folks who choose to ostracize me will remain the slaves of theirs.

Conclusion

I hope this helps folks understand my battle with the 4 Ds. No doubt other folks have different experiences with these mental and emotional nuisances.

If you know someone who struggles with these things, don’t worry. They aren’t contagious, and there’s no need to avoid them during their struggles. Maybe by reaching out to them you can help them retain a sense of connection. No need to remind them simply that they are merely having a Perception issue; that probably wouldn’t help. Dismissing what another person is experiencing may help you feel less uncomfortable but it doesn’t do a thing for them.

If you’re struggling with these things, please be honest about it. Just as with other folks dismissing your struggle, your dismissal won’t really help you find resolution. If it gets bad enough, consider a course of therapy (whether guided or on your own). If reaching out to a professional is the best course, whatever embarrassment you feel about it will soon be overshadowed by the pride you have in advocating for your own peace, your own wellness.

And try to remember that episodes come and go. Just when you think it’s all gone and will never come back, something might happen and it comes knocking on your door. But that’s okay. It’s just another life cycle, even as it’s frustrating and scary. As it starts, it will stop. As it stops, it will start. But in time, you too might get to that glorious point where you feel a sudden disconnection, shrug your shoulders, and go watch TV or go hang out with friends anyway. You’re going to be okay.

Mindfulness and My 4D Life - Part 6 (Gauging an episode)

How to gauge the phenomenon

I am overcoming this stuff gradually.

First, it helped that I got properly diagnosed. My psychologist listened to me explain the symptoms (not as symptoms, but as just a stream of feelings and thoughts about them), then began to rule things out. My family has a notable incidence of schizophrenia and dementia, so let’s just say that anytime I started feeling the connection slip I was 100 times worse off because I feared I was on a one-way trip down a long and unhappy slope.

Second, I am a Virgo. That means I need to understand the crap out of things. So I spent awhile researching these issues. Of course, since the primary issue I was fighting was anxiety-induced depression, these little disorders got put on the backburner for awhile. Not to mention that I had trouble keeping the differences between all the Ds straight for a long time.

Third, I am becoming more and more Mindful. That’s been such a blessing, but I will not proclaim it as a perfect path for everyone. All people have their own path to walk, and when problems arise they need to find the solutions for them. Mine may not work for you, and that’s cool. Try things, get help if you actually could use it, and I wish you peace.

As I’ve been more aware and informed, I’ve realized that I hardly notice the episodes anymore. I am aware they happen, but without the cascading distress they aren’t the paralyzing, maddening events they used to be.

Sometimes my music just doesn’t sound right (yes, my headphones are on correctly – I checked!), so I stop listening to music for a little while. Maybe I have trouble focusing on reading because I am suddenly aware that they are merely patterns of black ink on white paper instead of words with meaning. That’s cool; I’ll go play a video game.

And sometimes I get overwhelmed by sadness at being the last of my alien kind on this God-forsaken ball of rock. Then I text my beloved and let her know I’m feeling totally disconnected from the world (in this case, that means the universe of humanity) and am significantly bumming, at which point she texts back a kiss or a hug or an I Love You, and soon it matters less. No matter how disconnected I feel from my fellow humans, I know they are ready to help me remember: we’re still united.

Mindfulness and My 4D Life - Part 5 (Dealing with an episode)

What to do when I drop a connection?

An important thing I do is let folks who are close to me know when I’m having an episode. It helps me not feel like I am going through the experience alone, even if it feels like it. It also alerts them to help me out if I start really suffering through one. Even if the universe seems unreal, the loving hug and kiss from my dearest can work wonders.

I have to keep in mind that all Dissociative episodes, whether they are perception problems about me or everything else, are temporary. If I was cruising along unaware of the disconnected feeling, the moment I start having one is proof that an episode has begun; therefore it will also end.

My biggest strategy is to ride it out until the episode passes. This means I need to employ many tools in my Mindfulness toolkit:

Faith – it started, and it will stop. It will start again sometime, and it will stop in that case too. I am okay regardless.

Acceptance – yeah, it’s happening. Face forward and deal. How I’m feeling about myself or my surroundings doesn’t change their reality or mine; it merely colors my own perception of my reality. If the world doesn’t seem quite right, it’s okay. If I don’t feel quite connected to humanity at the moment, it’s okay.

Be Present – especially when the universe doesn’t feel quite real. I can re-establish my connection to the universe through focus and awareness if I patiently choose to. See, my awareness has shifted without my say so: it’s up to me to get it back. If it’s an internalized thing, then I can be an alien all I need to be, but I’m Here and Now regardless of my perception of self.

Rest – man, I can’t emphasize this enough. Whatever issue a person faces, it’s a tougher slog if they’re worn out.

Take action – one common strategy for coping is to immerse oneself with sensory input that reconnects us with the world around us.  Engage the universe perceptually through the senses. When we perceive the universe it becomes real to us. The more we perceive it, the more real it becomes. Therefore as we engage the universe with our senses mindfully, consciously, reality reasserts itself in our minds.

Engage – by staying social and involved in routine and life, the episodes are likely to pass more quickly and cause less anxiety. Let the people closest to you know you’re struggling if that would help them not feel so shut out all of a sudden or distressed as you seem to be very distracted. Sure, you might need to limit your social activity at times, but make sure you are just visiting the cave and not moving into it.

Be aware – view it realistically and gauge how “bad’ the situation really is. The earliest episodes seem horrible, because you suddenly feel like everything you believed (that is, took for granted) about the real world is turned on its ear. But if you can understand just how relative the issue actually is, you can adjust your response mindfully.

Mindfulness and My 4D Life - Part 4 (Derealization)

Derealization: De-reality check

Imagine you’re paying for your groceries, when all of a sudden you are yanked into a state of awareness that all is not what it seems. It sounds paranoid, but paranoia is more about totally believing it. With derealization, I don’t think I ever was convinced that the life I was living wasn’t real. I was, however, convinced that I had been yanked out of connection with this reality, and it was not a pleasant experience.

Probably the reason I hate déjà vu is because it is a sudden slip out of the flow of the Here and Now, shaking me momentarily out of connection with the universe. It makes sense why I struggle to discern the pattern of Past-Intrusive Sensitivity so that I can break it: I’m trying to break the sense of reliving a pattern and get back to my connection with the standard flow of time and experience. I need to break with the alternate universe so I can get back to this one.

This one is tough to grasp, because life flows around us in a way that we take for granted. Or at least life flows in a way that we do not see each drop of water in the river flowing around us. Derealization grabs us by the shirt collar and yells in our face that none of the drops of water in that river are real, or right, or whatever.

Have you ever had your ears pop because of a sudden pressure change? For a moment, the sensation is all you can think about. It totally captures your attention as your brain says, “Crud! Something just changed!” Then it goes on a little checklist of how different you now feel. How has your hearing changed for the moment? Is there pain or discomfort? Did both ears pop or just one? That sort of thing, going on under the hood, usually beyond your conscious mind.

Sudden shifts in perceptual reality are just as jarring. But as the brain tries to process just what’s different, it gets stymied by the fact that everything seems to be just the same, you sense – get an impression – that nothing is the same. Everything was real a second ago, and now nothing is real.

If a Derealization episode passes quickly, you’re left with a vague “What in the heck was that?” feeling. But if your episode seems to go on and on, it gets frustrating. Now you are not only hyper-focused on what feels or seems wrong, your poor brain is also hollering “Why hasn’t it gone away yet? How long is this going to last?”