Derealization:
De-reality check
Imagine you’re paying for your groceries, when all of a
sudden you are yanked into a state of awareness that all is not what it seems.
It sounds paranoid, but paranoia is more about totally believing it. With
derealization, I don’t think I ever was convinced that the life I was living
wasn’t real. I was, however, convinced that I had been yanked out of connection
with this reality, and it was not a pleasant experience.
Probably the reason I hate déjà vu is because it is a sudden
slip out of the flow of the Here and Now, shaking me momentarily out of
connection with the universe. It makes sense why I struggle to discern the
pattern of Past-Intrusive Sensitivity so that I can break it: I’m trying to
break the sense of reliving a pattern and get back to my connection with the
standard flow of time and experience. I need to break with the alternate
universe so I can get back to this one.
This one is tough to grasp, because life flows around us in
a way that we take for granted. Or at least life flows in a way that we do not
see each drop of water in the river flowing around us. Derealization grabs us
by the shirt collar and yells in our face that none of the drops of water in
that river are real, or right, or whatever.
Have you ever had your ears pop because of a sudden pressure
change? For a moment, the sensation is all you can think about. It totally
captures your attention as your brain says, “Crud! Something just changed!”
Then it goes on a little checklist of how different you now feel. How has your
hearing changed for the moment? Is there pain or discomfort? Did both ears pop
or just one? That sort of thing, going on under the hood, usually beyond your
conscious mind.
Sudden shifts in perceptual reality are just as jarring. But
as the brain tries to process just what’s different, it gets stymied by the
fact that everything seems to be just the same, you sense – get an
impression – that nothing is the same. Everything was real a second ago, and now nothing is real.
If a Derealization episode passes quickly, you’re left with
a vague “What in the heck was that?” feeling. But if your episode seems to go
on and on, it gets frustrating. Now you are not only hyper-focused on what
feels or seems wrong, your poor brain is also hollering “Why hasn’t it gone
away yet? How long is this going to last?”
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