This is going to be short and quick.
Okay, settle down.
Simply put, sex is the big paradox in the western world.
It’s everywhere and yet we are afraid to deal with it unless we can hide behind
jokes or blushing cheeks.
I know folks who thought nothing of going through life
engaging in regular bouts of leisure with any number of others, yet they
couldn’t bring themselves to tell their kids a thing about the Facts Of Life.
Well, you ain’t gonna read about it here neither. So don’t
get your hopes up.
Since this is a blog about my personal journey, I will use
this post to deal with a major battle I faced, based on misunderstandings growing
up: what does sex mean in a relationship?
Sex Does Not Mean
Love
It’s not that I thought sex and love meant the same thing. I
know that sex is merely one possible expression of love. However, without
proper personal Boundaries and Acceptance, I believed that if sex existed in a
relationship, then gradually changed and sort of stopped, it meant that I was
no longer loved.
Many therapists have said that one of the earliest signs a
relationship was in trouble was when sex stopped.
If sex is the ultimate intimate expression, then when sex
falters it must obviously mean that the very foundation of the relationship is
falling apart.
Well, I mean that’s how I basically reasoned.
Here’s the thing: if you do not have faith in love, in the
person you love, then you are forever insecure in the relationship with that
person. The insecurities are always there, just under the surface, but in an
intimate relationship they are open and in plain view (yeah, even if we try
really hard to hide them).
So I had no faith in the permanence of relationships,
largely because my parents divorced.
I also had no faith in myself as being worthy of being
loved. If a person was making love to me, then it was proof that I was
loveable. (Okay, I know that was a myth. Bear with me here.)
I was raised to view sex as obligatory. It was the
responsibility of both people in the relationship to have sex. That’s a rural
thing I think, although it’s pretty much everywhere. If the woman didn’t want
to, that was fine. A woman’s mood was not a prerequisite to sex; she just had
to be there and submit to it.
It’s not a unique view, no matter how much we are unaware of
it. Do you know how many legal statutes exist to allow a marriage to be
annulled if the marriage isn’t “consummated?”
It’s pretty sad.
So let’s sum it up:
A woman’s expectation and responsibility and obligation in
the marriage is, among other things, to do her Wifely Duty and have sex when
the husband wants to; sex is an expression of love that dwindles and goes away
when a relationship is in trouble; marriage can be considered invalid if one
party cannot or will not have sex to consummate the relationship; insecurity of
being unlovable is relieved temporarily when sex occurs, due to it being viewed
as proof that someone loves me; sex is seen as a need.
So basically things are just too jacked up for me to be
balanced.
Oh wait, I forgot to add to the problem! Let me fix that…
Growing up I was bombarded by the simple judgment against me
simply because I was male: all guys think about it sex.
Man that ticks me off no end. Just because all the guys you
associate with do, doesn’t mean they all do. It’s a generalization that weighed
heavily on me. I was treated as a second class citizen by women because the men
in their lives had stupid views about sex. They wanted it a lot but they were so selfish about it, so there were a whole lot of dissatisfied women and clueless men. But lump me in with them?
It would be the same as me saying
all women are treacherous witches just because all of my experiences with them
to a point ended up with me getting hurt.
If all the fish you catch have the same drawbacks, maybe ya
ought to fish in a different pond some day. Just sayin’….
Okay. Breathe. Let go.
So here’s this mess that works against me. I can’t begin to
have faith in the stability of a relationship because if sexual expression
stops then I resent the woman for not upholding her end of the relationship, I
feel threatened because I feel she has stopped loving me and the relationship
is on its last legs, and I feel guilt because I then try to force the issue and
put on the pouty face: “If you loved me then you would.”
I shudder when I examine myself. No wonder self-examination
is so scary. But it’s also healing, because once I see what I do and why, I
become more mindfully empowered. I free myself to choose to see things
differently, to react differently.
I Am Loved With or
Without Sex
I needed to develop faith in relationships, women, and even
myself about a lot of things, including sexual matters.
Communication is key here. If sex is viewed as proof that
you love someone, then a lack of sex represents a lack of that love. By
communicating my concerns to my partner, I can let him or her know that I will
need their help in fighting the doubts and shadows. They can, in turn, reassure
me that I am indeed loved and we can focus together on all the other ways we
express love to each other.
So Boundaries help me stop relying on this other person to
provide my self-assurance and security and peace and happiness. I recognize
that if he or she doesn’t want to have sex, then it’s not a reflection against
me but a reflection of their own sovereignty to make decisions about themselves
and their bodies and minds.
Acceptance is another tool to be used. Sex is only a need
based on the importance we place on it. Place less importance on it, and it
becomes less of a “need.” Accepting that there are other ways to express love,
accepting that sometimes sex just isn’t possible, frees me up to enjoy my
partner more fully because I’m not all hyper-focused on this one thing.
And if I accept, then I won’t try to manipulate my partner
to get my way. No heaping on guilt, no pressure or coercion, no whining and
begging and threatening and tantrums and ultimatums and angry demands.
Certainly no undermining junk like accusing my partner that he or she doesn’t
love me because he or she isn’t showing me they love me by having sex. That’s
childish, unfair, cruel, and irresponsible.
Been there.
Faith vs.
Expectations
So I have found my way out of another morass from my past.
Sex is an aspect of a relationship that, when kept in balance and perspective,
can bring much comfort and joy. What it takes is willingness to abandon
preconceived expectations and accept that I am loved and lovable. I can be free
to enjoy the expressions that someone else can give me.
I can stop hyper-focusing on what I don’t have and focus my
attention on the things I do have. That’s actually a good balance that
Mindfulness has allowed me to have in a lot of things.
I have found faith that I didn’t know I had, because I have
let go of some of the old views and teachings that I grew up with. When you
grow up with something, it’s natural to assume that the thing reflects truth
and reality, when it really only reflects a small corner of those things.
So that didn’t take too long. And you didn’t fall asleep on
me! Yay!
And with that, I think I’m done examining some of the main
pillars of Mindfulness in my experience. I’m going to keep posting personal
matters relating to Mindfulness on this blog, and I will expand the topics and
examinations on my new blog at a-mindful-guy.com.
Well, as soon as I can figure out how to get the thing to
work. Lol
