A Mindful Fed (Part 3)

Facing forward, staying present

There are certain things that really sting about all this. Many of my friends and co-workers face:

·         No income, but no vacation from obligations.

·         Limited short-term options.

·         Uncertainty.

·         Bad news from the media every few minutes.

·         Lack of sympathy or support from family, friends, acquaintances, or strangers.

·         Negativity from all the political rhetoric surrounding us and the event.

Mindfully, there are some things I can do to make it through this crisis:

·         Find some income where possible. It will take some mix of ingenuity and chance, but there may be ways to cobble together enough to stay afloat.

·         Accept that there are parts of this crisis which are simply beyond my ability to do anything about. That’s refreshing, because it frees me from the anxiety over those things. I only need to be concerned with things I have some control over.

·         Stay away from negativity as much as possible. The more negativity I allow in, the more it becomes a part of me. It saps my positive energy, like electrons neutralizing protons.

·         Encourage others. As much positivity as I allow to flow into others, that’s just a little more strength they gain to deal with this mess. The more positive attitudes I encourage, the less negative ones gain strength.

·         Stay neutral. There are many views as to who is to blame in this crisis. Blame is just a way people have of focusing their negative energy and attitudes in a particular direction. It’s an effort to relieve them of the negative pressure created from anxiety and the unknown. But blame never solves a bloody thing. It doesn’t matter what one person or another did to lead us to this point. Even if someone did have all the responsibility, it wouldn’t mean a darned thing: we’d still be in this mess. Might as well not worry about pointing fingers.

·         Stay non-judgmental. Neutrality is great, but not practicable for a lot of folks. They have very firm views, and they are personally invested in matters. As things stand they can’t remain neutral. But there’s no value in judging those who have different views than I do. They have their views, I have mine. One of us may be right, maybe the other, maybe neither of us, maybe both of us a little bit. People deserve respect and we deserve peace no matter the positions we take.

·         Stay present. No matter what has happened, it’s unchangeably done and over. Unless someone has a time machine, it’s staying that way. Leave the past in the past or it will just make a muddle of your present. Likewise, the future is unknown, and people hate that. But seriously, since it’s pages in the book of life that haven’t been written yet, the most we can do is make the best decisions with all the wisdom, integrity, and intuition we can manage so that the future pages are the brightest we personally can make them.

·         Face forward. It’s tempting to look back wishfully, or get distracted by the wrangling going on around us. It’s going to be more efficient to face forward and stay the course. A ship at sea will turn into large waves to avoid being tipped over and scuttled. We need to turn into the waves of life to avoid being tipped over and perhaps sinking beneath the waves.

·         Deal with anxiety triggers. I’ve had to do breathing exercises and maintain something resembling a routine to stop or prevent intrusive negative thoughts. Since the anxiety of others can increase mine, the more I can help relieve theirs where possible, the easier we all breathe.

Faith - No Sex Does Not Mean No Love

This is going to be short and quick.

Okay, settle down.

Simply put, sex is the big paradox in the western world. It’s everywhere and yet we are afraid to deal with it unless we can hide behind jokes or blushing cheeks.

I know folks who thought nothing of going through life engaging in regular bouts of leisure with any number of others, yet they couldn’t bring themselves to tell their kids a thing about the Facts Of Life.

Well, you ain’t gonna read about it here neither. So don’t get your hopes up.

Since this is a blog about my personal journey, I will use this post to deal with a major battle I faced, based on misunderstandings growing up: what does sex mean in a relationship?

Sex Does Not Mean Love

It’s not that I thought sex and love meant the same thing. I know that sex is merely one possible expression of love. However, without proper personal Boundaries and Acceptance, I believed that if sex existed in a relationship, then gradually changed and sort of stopped, it meant that I was no longer loved.

Many therapists have said that one of the earliest signs a relationship was in trouble was when sex stopped.

If sex is the ultimate intimate expression, then when sex falters it must obviously mean that the very foundation of the relationship is falling apart.

Well, I mean that’s how I basically reasoned.

Here’s the thing: if you do not have faith in love, in the person you love, then you are forever insecure in the relationship with that person. The insecurities are always there, just under the surface, but in an intimate relationship they are open and in plain view (yeah, even if we try really hard to hide them).

So I had no faith in the permanence of relationships, largely because my parents divorced.

I also had no faith in myself as being worthy of being loved. If a person was making love to me, then it was proof that I was loveable. (Okay, I know that was a myth. Bear with me here.)

I was raised to view sex as obligatory. It was the responsibility of both people in the relationship to have sex. That’s a rural thing I think, although it’s pretty much everywhere. If the woman didn’t want to, that was fine. A woman’s mood was not a prerequisite to sex; she just had to be there and submit to it.

It’s not a unique view, no matter how much we are unaware of it. Do you know how many legal statutes exist to allow a marriage to be annulled if the marriage isn’t “consummated?”  It’s pretty sad.

So let’s sum it up:

A woman’s expectation and responsibility and obligation in the marriage is, among other things, to do her Wifely Duty and have sex when the husband wants to; sex is an expression of love that dwindles and goes away when a relationship is in trouble; marriage can be considered invalid if one party cannot or will not have sex to consummate the relationship; insecurity of being unlovable is relieved temporarily when sex occurs, due to it being viewed as proof that someone loves me; sex is seen as a need.

So basically things are just too jacked up for me to be balanced.

Oh wait, I forgot to add to the problem! Let me fix that…

Growing up I was bombarded by the simple judgment against me simply because I was male: all guys think about it sex.

Man that ticks me off no end. Just because all the guys you associate with do, doesn’t mean they all do. It’s a generalization that weighed heavily on me. I was treated as a second class citizen by women because the men in their lives had stupid views about sex. They wanted it a lot but they were so selfish about it, so there were a whole lot of dissatisfied women and clueless men. But lump me in with them?

It would be the same as me saying all women are treacherous witches just because all of my experiences with them to a point ended up with me getting hurt.

If all the fish you catch have the same drawbacks, maybe ya ought to fish in a different pond some day. Just sayin’….

Okay. Breathe. Let go.

So here’s this mess that works against me. I can’t begin to have faith in the stability of a relationship because if sexual expression stops then I resent the woman for not upholding her end of the relationship, I feel threatened because I feel she has stopped loving me and the relationship is on its last legs, and I feel guilt because I then try to force the issue and put on the pouty face: “If you loved me then you would.”

I shudder when I examine myself. No wonder self-examination is so scary. But it’s also healing, because once I see what I do and why, I become more mindfully empowered. I free myself to choose to see things differently, to react differently.

I Am Loved With or Without Sex

I needed to develop faith in relationships, women, and even myself about a lot of things, including sexual matters.

Communication is key here. If sex is viewed as proof that you love someone, then a lack of sex represents a lack of that love. By communicating my concerns to my partner, I can let him or her know that I will need their help in fighting the doubts and shadows. They can, in turn, reassure me that I am indeed loved and we can focus together on all the other ways we express love to each other.

So Boundaries help me stop relying on this other person to provide my self-assurance and security and peace and happiness. I recognize that if he or she doesn’t want to have sex, then it’s not a reflection against me but a reflection of their own sovereignty to make decisions about themselves and their bodies and minds.

Acceptance is another tool to be used. Sex is only a need based on the importance we place on it. Place less importance on it, and it becomes less of a “need.” Accepting that there are other ways to express love, accepting that sometimes sex just isn’t possible, frees me up to enjoy my partner more fully because I’m not all hyper-focused on this one thing.

And if I accept, then I won’t try to manipulate my partner to get my way. No heaping on guilt, no pressure or coercion, no whining and begging and threatening and tantrums and ultimatums and angry demands. Certainly no undermining junk like accusing my partner that he or she doesn’t love me because he or she isn’t showing me they love me by having sex. That’s childish, unfair, cruel, and irresponsible.

Been there.

Faith vs. Expectations

So I have found my way out of another morass from my past. Sex is an aspect of a relationship that, when kept in balance and perspective, can bring much comfort and joy. What it takes is willingness to abandon preconceived expectations and accept that I am loved and lovable. I can be free to enjoy the expressions that someone else can give me.

I can stop hyper-focusing on what I don’t have and focus my attention on the things I do have. That’s actually a good balance that Mindfulness has allowed me to have in a lot of things.

I have found faith that I didn’t know I had, because I have let go of some of the old views and teachings that I grew up with. When you grow up with something, it’s natural to assume that the thing reflects truth and reality, when it really only reflects a small corner of those things.

So that didn’t take too long. And you didn’t fall asleep on me! Yay!

And with that, I think I’m done examining some of the main pillars of Mindfulness in my experience. I’m going to keep posting personal matters relating to Mindfulness on this blog, and I will expand the topics and examinations on my new blog at a-mindful-guy.com.

Well, as soon as I can figure out how to get the thing to work. Lol

Faith - All By Myself

When you are single in America, an awful lot of folks think it’s a problem, like there’s something wrong.

Not too long ago, they would have been correct.

“Jim still isn’t married. He’d better hurry up and settle down and start a family.”

“Mary is going to die an old maid at this rate.”

“Dan is a nice guy, but he isn’t even trying to see anyone. Is he… weird?” (Weird often equaled gay)

“Shirley isn’t getting any younger. Pretty soon she’ll be too old to find a nice man.”

(Sound of mother sobbing into a dish towel) “I’m never going to have grandchildren and it’s like he doesn’t even care.”

(Sound of mother grumbling in general directions) “So, when am I going to get a grandchild?”

Ugh. It all makes me sick to even type.

I understood things pretty much that way my whole life. That stupid Life Script that sets your life course in a flow-chart format was not even discussed – it was just handed to me.

Not that anyone could have discussed it with me. It was just understood that you went to school, got a job, found a nice girl, dated, got engaged, got married, had a child or ten, had a grand-child or thirty, retired, and wandered off into the sunset. Some variations existed in my region, but for me the path was instilled in me in various ways as the cultural norm.

Simply put, I really had no choice to stay single. It was not an option.

It is a choice nowadays, more and more. But there are still folks who uphold the basic dogma of the Wrongness of Intentionally Remaining Single. It’s not really their fault; they don’t believe there is a choice either.

So what can be said about singleness? Like everything else, it’s about choices. And as you will discover in life, there are more factors to consider in life choices than it appears.

I’m Afraid of Being Alone

There are some folks who are afraid of being alone. But that is a pretty uncommon phobia. Why do I say that? Because most folks who say they’re afraid of being alone… really aren’t.

Afraid of the dark? No, more likely you’re afraid of what else is in the dark with you, or you’re afraid of the vulnerable feelings you have in the dark. It’s not the dark’s fault.

Afraid of spiders? More likely you’re afraid of the spider biting you, or the emotional response as you feel it crawling on you. Their movements just look so alien to us that they seem, well, creepy.

Afraid of being alone? Probably not. I mean maybe you’re afraid of being vulnerable if someone tries to break in, or afraid of someone already being there when you come home alone one night. A lot of those insecurities lie in not having faith or confidence in yourself and your abilities to handle life events. What if the furnace breaks down, or my car won’t start? It would be so much better if I had someone else around. Maybe so.

But what if your fear or worries about being alone have nothing to do with that?

Maybe you might really hate feeling lonely?

If you think “being alone” is the same as being lonely, then high five! You just figured out where the problem is.

I disliked going through life without a girlfriend. That’s partly because I felt lonely, and partly because I was indoctrinated with the notion that you could not buy a house in Happy Life Estates without being in a relationship.

Plus any people at school and in my neighborhood regularly asserted I was gay, which wasn’t exactly improving the odds I was going to get a girlfriend from among the locals.

Men and women kissing in public, holding hands, doing all the Couples things – seeing all this around me only compounded my feelings of alienation.

Of course I was oblivious to all the people who were single and loving it. I figured they were in denial and as soon as the novelty of being single wore off they would be as miserable as I was.

I was also blind to all the couples who had a partner 24/7 and were way more miserable than I could imagine. I assumed they just made bad decisions and if they had maybe met someone at a park or at a book store, they might be happier today. Or in many cases, maybe they should have just trolled at a more upscale bar. Hey, the quality of the pond gives you a hint to the quality of the fish you’re gonna haul out of it.

Soon I got a girlfriend and had companionship. It satisfied some aspects of my life, but I noticed that others appeared. That’s a pattern in many relationships: smooth at first, then the rocks appear and you wonder what happened.

It all boiled down to expectations. I could not grasp being happy in life as a single person, and I could not grasp why being in a relationship did not instantly fix all my woes. I expected all the wrong things, and that’s what was really making me miserable.

I needed to cultivate faith….

Mom Needs Grandkids!

The Script says that one of the biggest bonuses in having children is one day getting grandchildren.

It’s funny that I remember very few pictures of me, her only child, on my mom’s desk at work over the course of her career. Once grandkids appeared, there was hardly room on the desk for anything BUT their pictures. That gives you an idea of you how important grandchildren figure into the life of a woman round these parts.

See, mom was very busy actually trying to make a living and raise me, so there wasn’t a lot of time to relax and enjoy me. We did have a lot of time and vacations and stuff, don’t get me wrong. But parenthood was very much a job. Grandparenthood is very much a hobby.

After mom retired, she had this huge hole in her life, and grandchildren were going to help fill that nicely. It made her very confused and disheartened to realize after awhile that grandchildren aren’t like the stories. (Wow, neither are husbands and wives! We seriously need to stop reading Happily Ever After stories like they’re roadmaps!)

She adored my sons, and they adored her. But they didn’t just sit quietly and behave like I had as a kid. My kids saw grandma as an awesome playmate that treated them great. But she had respiratory and mobility issues and their constant desire to run around and play wore her out. They were always poking around in things, spilling out boxes to find out what was in them, wanting her to go outside and push them on the swing or catch them at the bottom of a slide 30 times in a row.

Sadly, she wanted to do more and enjoy them more, but her expectations were too high, both for the role of Grandmother and for herself. She couldn’t meet her own expectations and it made her less happy.

She really needed to cultivate some faith….

So When Ya Gonna Tie the Knot?

This will be short and sweet. I know a girl who is beyond wonderful to me. It was assumed we would get married. Probably not now.

Did something bad happen? No actually something good happened: we escaped the bear trap called The Script. It was painful, and I think we had to chew a leg or two off, but it was a relief!

We are happier now that we threw off the expectations and role requirements that were heaped on us throughout time. We can relax and enjoy each others’ company because we aren’t tied to this Institution of Relationship that everyone says will be the road to happiness and personal fulfillment. I mean we tried to fulfill the Script as best we could, but it wasn’t for us. We are happy this way.

But other folks, oh my….

So many of them still live lives according to The Script. That by itself is perfectly fine with me, because as long as everyone is playing by the same rulebook there’s a pretty good chance it will work out for them to some degree.

But to see their faces when they saw us together doing things and being happy, and compare that to the looks on their faces when we dash their fairytale dreams with news that we probably aren’t going to get married: the weight can be suffocating.

Religious teachings, cultural expectations, personal views: so many things can help pile the guilt right on your back when you escape The Script. Suddenly there’s something wrong with you. You are going to anger God and rob everyone you know of the joy of seeing your gleaming golden wedding because you are being selfish and choosing to live lives outside the Right Way.

We’re trying to have our cake and eat it too, I’ve been told.

Let me just say, I’ve taken the plunge and purchased the cake once. If it works for you, go for it. It didn’t meet all the expectations it was supposed to. So I don’t need to. I’m free to get married, but ought of desire to, not out of obligation to.

How can we deal with all the peer pressure and expectations of others?

We just have to cultivate a little faith….

Alone But Not Abandoned

Loneliness is basically when you want someone there and no one’s there. It’s an emotional reaction to unfulfilled desire. Not really sexual desire (although that’s a big part of it at times) but a desire for companionship.

I was nervous when I found someone who I really clicked with on pretty much all cylinders, but discovered that we were at a point in our lives where we just couldn’t handle living on top of each other.

I had to have faith that it was okay.

I needed to have faith that I could live my life separate from someone else by building boundaries, and that was not going to scare away this one person.

I needed faith that I could be single and have a fulfilling life.

I needed to have faith that I was whole and complete as a person without needing another person to make me complete.

I needed to have faith that I could make it… alone.

Now I can go home and have cereal for dinner if I want. I can watch three DVDs of wrestling in a row and not worry that someone in the house is missing her favorite shows. I can leave work and spend the evening walking every aisle in a book store or window shopping at the mall. I can come and go when I please and do what I please. That’s freedom.

And when I get lonely, I can pick up the phone and call or text the most wonderful person in the Multi-verse, and ask if she wants to go to a movie or out to eat or just hang out and walk the aisles or the mall together. That’s also freedom.

I am alone, but I’ve not been abandoned. I don’t need to be attached to someone.

But wait: what if this best friend of mine chooses to go away? (Is it time to sound the Abandonment Alarms?)

It would hurt badly. I would mourn and become unbalanced for awhile. But I have faith that I am still a complete person, I am capable of having a happy and fulfilling life alone. I would still have many friends and no doubt would make many more. I would go on.

My mind used to rob me of peace and erode that faith by dwelling on such an eventuality. I would sit and worry obsessively and compulsively over a potential scenario that was very unlikely. I will not do that anymore. Sure the thoughts occasionally come back, but I will treat them like the guy that comes to the door to ask me if I’ve considered carpeting. I will smile, tell him thank you but no thank you.

“But it’s a great deal.”

“True. But I don’t want carpeting. No deal is so good that I’m going to purchase carpeting if I don’t want it. Free would not put carpeting on my floor.” If I want a relationship I can have one, and if I don’t then that’s cool too. But I don’t NEED one. Believe it or not, the more pressure you put on yourself to get into a relationship because you NEED to, the more likely you will become frustrated and open to making some erroneous choices.

I have a choice as to how I will deal with facing things that make me uncomfortable, including loneliness. I can sit and lament or I can get up and go somewhere.

 “But I don’t want to go somewhere alone. It makes me lonelier.”

Loneliness is an emotional reaction to a situation. Believe it or not, you can change that reaction. No really, you can! It might mean you just have to change your expectations a little….

As I said earlier, one of the main issues that contribute a bit towards loneliness (and certainly one of the biggest arenas of expectation in a relationship) is: sex.

Don’t get all excited (oops, sorry), but we’re going to look at this topic next. Relationships and sexual expectations, and how Mindfulness can help balance that out. No kissing and telling; I promise, I won't get inappropriate.

C’mon, have a little faith.

Faith - Well I Gotta Have Faith

George Michael sang about it. Well, he sang about having faith in something, anyway.

So often when we hear people talk about their faith, we are hearing about their religious beliefs. But there are other demonstrations of faith, since “faith” has shades of meaning.

“I watched a documentary about First Responders and it really restored my faith in people.”

“I was afraid to change careers at my age. But I just had to make a leap of faith.”

“No one knew if the news report was true at first. Everyone was just taking it on faith.”

Dictionaries and thesauruses (thesauri? Nah, it’s 2013) have definitions of faith that focus on belief in something, trust in something.  You can trust something and believe in it if you have faith in it. Whether that thing is a god, a philosophy, a business model, or a weather forecast, it is something that you trust to be correct, or helpful, or at least that it is what it appears to be.

Sometimes we apply faith in something without thinking about it. We subconsciously trust something when we just assume – take it on faith – that a thing is and will continue to be what it seems to be. A new bridge might be unsafe, but people might have faith in its safety simply based on knowing it’s new. Whereas a bridge might be very stable but appear to be rickety, and folks might not have any faith in it to support them on use.

Sometimes faith needs more conscious effort, whether because we encounter something new, or because something familiar has demonstrated questionable trustworthiness in the past.

Then there are situations where we have been pre-programmed to either have faith or have no faith in something. Religion is often involved in these cases, but it extends to pretty much any sphere of one’s life.

But for folks who dive into Mindfulness, there are a few places where they may not have really examined for the presence of – and need for – faith.

Faith in Self

It is a funny thing to watch someone who seems to lack confidence suddenly enters one of their Strong Places. You know, suddenly his back gets straighter, her head is held a little higher. Or the person who oozes self-confidence suddenly stumbles into a gray patch, a Weak Place for them. His posture drops, she suddenly looks at the floor or her shoes a lot.

It goes to show that self-confidence isn’t something you either have or you don’t; it’s something you have in some places and don’t have in others.

Although I am more balanced now than I used to be, it wasn’t that long ago that I had a very prominent Strong Place and an equally prominent Weak Place.

Work was a Strong Place. If weird things happened or technical issues popped up, I could just slide my brain into Analyze and Correct mode. I would exude self-confidence, not because I thought I could understand or fix absolutely everything, but because I had enough experience which I could plug into my troubleshooting brain routine. I had a track record of success; it wasn’t 100% but it was certainly well over 80%. At the drop of a hat, tell me of an issue or tell me to go train someone on something, and I needed very little preparation time on average. My instincts were sharp and I followed them.

Once I got home though, it was like entering an alternate universe. I thought too much and second-guessed everything (actually I often didn’t stop at second-guessing. I was very familiar with fourth- and fifth-guessing). I assumed the worst in many situations which caused them to actually become worse. I worried and fretted about making the wrong decision or saying the wrong thing or not doing something that I should have done. I had instincts, but I only followed the bad ones.

In short, I had faith in myself at work, but had no faith in myself at home. Work stuff was a piece of cake to me, but I stressed mightily in relationships.

I guess it ought to make sense, given my past. Dad was an old-school auto mechanic and Mom was a Customer Service wizard. They found what they enjoyed doing and were good at, then had careers in those realms. They excelled in their niches – their little corners of specialty – but they fell down at home in their relationship. I followed in their shoes.

I had to figure out how to develop faith in myself as a man capable of having a good, successful relationship. To do that, I needed to lay some groundwork: I needed to develop faith in myself as being someone worth being in a successful relationship. I simply didn’t think I was worth it.

“I Don’t Deserve You,” I Lied

The fairy tales and romantic songs try so hard to dictate how a relationship is supposed to work. Never mind that we put our relationship training in the hands of guys who abandon all sense in pursuit of beautiful girls (even if she’s an ogre now, I promise she becomes a gorgeous princess at some point!) or girls who will only fall in love with exactly the one prince or knight in shining armor (usually because all other choices are clearly shown with amplified imperfections). Or in the case of music, we are entrusting our understanding to people whose main purpose in life centers on the popularity of songs they sing (even if someone else wrote them).

Pop tunes and power ballads do not set a very good foundation for a long-term relationship. Look at the track records of most of the people writing and performing them.

It is assumed that the right sentiment expressed in a song can land you happiness everlasting. Or only one person holds the key to Happily Ever After.

Lies! The whole pack of it is lies!

But those tales survive, and the tunes sure are catchy.

One problem with all this is that it’s all unrealistic. It’s fantasy. That’s why people buy the romantic fiction or the love song-laden CD: they want to purchase a fantasy. That’s fine, up until they start treating the fantasy like a viable foundation for reality. Then it gets a bit dodgy.

Archetypes are presented, and you need to find some way to fit into them. That can be tough because you are dealing with princes/princesses, magical beings, rulers or other rich people, and the world of myth which is conveniently black-and-white. Mostly our ability to fit into the myths is physical: bigger aspects of anatomy; more wealth on display; prestigious position in society.

Aside from songs in which sex is the main motivator, love songs portray huge myths. These songs emphasize how desperate the guy is to land this particular girl that he will do anything to win her. We know he will do anything, because after stating this fact in exactly so many words, he is often off on a Romantic Scavenger Hunt, ticking off all the items on his list that he is prepared to do. Catch grenades, take a bullet, never let her cry nor feel even a moment’s pain or unhappiness, die in some fashion that will eventually be featured on an episode of 1000 Ways To Die, etc.

It’s simple: I don’t deserve you, so let me purchase you and your love through martyrdom, whether literal or figurative. Self-sacrifice is pretty noble, so I shall win her heart through self-sacrifice.

Of course, it’s one thing to win a heart; it’s another thing to keep it. This leads to the relationship becoming an endless business transaction that would put the karma cycle to shame. It’s like you are only leasing the girl’s heart. You make the down payment, and then you spend the rest of your life struggling to keep up the payments so that her heart doesn’t get repossessed and auctioned off to some other guy. Or girl.

So rather than accept who I am and remain open to love from someone who is equally flawed but generally compatible with me, I assumed I was not worth being loved by anyone and therefore I needed to settle for what I could get. People may not say it in so many words, but you would be shocked to find out how many folks believe that somewhere inside. One of the reasons many people stay in toxic relationships is an abiding belief that they don’t deserve better, or that they will never really find better, or ultimately that if they did find better, then “better” wouldn’t want them.

Ugh.

Have faith in yourself as a loving, caring, flawed human being. Believe that you don’t have to be perfect to get someone into your life. You don’t even have to meet all of their criteria (so stop trying to, as I had to learn).

Even the most “broken” person can turn the corner into a happy relationship. And even the most insecure individual can find happiness single and unattached. So before we look more at how to have faith in a relationship, consider having faith in yourself as a complete, whole being who can exist happily separate from a partner. Let’s look at Faith in Singleness.