Acceptance - Accepting You Don't Need To Control

Some folks are compelled to be in control. Maybe you know someone like that. Maybe you ARE someone like that.

One curious thing about being a controlling person is that there are so many variables. Some folks are Alphas, having to always be in control of everything they are involved in. Some only want to control certain circumstances; others only want to control certain people.

I was a Controller, basically as a coping strategy in a relationship where I felt controlled by the other person. Granted, as we saw in the previous post, I gave her that control. But still – it’s not like she had to accept the offer! When I offered her to control me, she could have said no!!!

How in the world did I make it to 47 years old?

There are also differences in what led to a person being a Controller. Some folks learned it from a controlling parent. Others learned it after a traumatic incident involving abuse.

But a big constant seems to be a deep fear underlying the controlling behavior.

For some folks, one of the most terrifying feelings in the world is feeling OUT OF CONTROL.

You know that feeling when you suddenly realize you are at the mercy of another person or even just the world at large? And the only way to react is either Fight or Flight. Escape the person/situation or gain control over it.

It may take the form of micromanaging something else. If I feel out of control at work, I might over-exert control at home. If I feel out of control with my health, I might over-control my diet, down to how many milligrams of potassium I take every day.

In a relationship, though, we see control issues so much. Relationships seem to be scary because we can be so not-in-control. Some folks like that, just like they enjoy the feeling of riding a roller coaster. But generally, we might feel vulnerable to the point that we start trying to control as a defensive and protective strategy, probably not even consciously.

One of the big things we try to control in a relationship is the contact our partner has with others. Men and women both are very capable of doing this. Jealousy spurred by insecurity can be the culprit.

Other times, someone is an attention sponge who can’t abide the thought that their partner is paying attention – any attention – to anyone except them. That is true even if the insecure person isn’t even with their partner!

Controlling your partner gives you unhealthy illusions.

You can pretend you are now less vulnerable. They are under your thumb and they can’t go anywhere now. That’s translated as “Now they won’t leave me.” Au contraire. The tighter you squeeze, the more they will wriggle to have some personal freedom. They don’t want to leave, but they also don’t want to become the slave you are forcing them to become, someone who can’t go and do things without permission. The more they wriggle, the more you squeeze, and so on until either they break free and actually do leave, or you destroy the person they are inside.

Folks who feel compelled to control their partner may feel like they can’t trust their partner, so controlling them just makes sense. Well, if you can’t trust them, what are you doing in a relationship with them? That’s your choice right there. Trying to control them won’t make them more trustworthy. It might very well drive them down the road you think you’re preventing them from taking!

What if you find out your partner says things about you to others that you don’t like? Two things: one, if it really bothers you, tell them about it. Two, what do you really care?

This is true at work, school, in relationships, or just out in public. If you are secure in who and what you are, what other people think doesn’t matter.

Let me say that again. If you are secure in who and what you are, I mean inside and honestly, then what other people think and say about you really does not matter.

And if you think it totally matters, you are gonna be pretty worn out trying to monitor every conversation that might reference you across the globe. Then people can add “paranoid” and “control freak” to their personal opinions about you.

I should know. I worried constantly about what my wife’s friends were told about me, especially when the relationship was ending. I worried so much about it that I made myself sick with anxiety. I just had to know what all she was telling them.

Why? What on earth did I really think I was going to do about it? Did I really think I was going to find out they had a bad opinion of me and then I was going to argue the points and defend myself? Maybe take out a page in the local newspaper every week to rebut their opinions? I’d probably end up working for the paper after awhile just from sheer publishing credit!

Mindfulness teaches that we should concern ourselves only with the things that we can control and that are worth controlling. I couldn’t control what she said to her friends. I couldn’t control what they thought of me. But I could control how I acted, how I spoke, how I carried myself.

If they think I’m an idiot or a jerk, any argument I might make to the contrary won’t make a lick of difference. It totally won’t. They will say and believe what they will. But if they really care to know me then they will see I am simply who and what I am. No more, no less.

What other people say or think about me is their opinion and their choice. It does not affect who and what I truly am, and therefore I am free from any power their opinions have over me.

If I have friends, then so should my partner. That wasn’t a problem in the marriage, but in my later relationship it was a concern. I was unbalanced and felt that any and every other guy was a threat. I didn’t have that view before, but suddenly I was seeing things the way guys growing up in rural Missouri in the 70s did.

You know the Buck Owens song “Tall Dark Stranger?” I can’t listen to it nowadays because it perfectly encapsulates the stupid and ignorant viewpoint I just described. The song merely reflects views held by so many men (and often by women too), whether consciously or not. The Tall Dark Stranger is danger, he tells us. We need to basically lock our women in the house when he comes into town, because if we don’t, just by existing near our women he will steal them and ride off into the sunset. With our women!

(When did we start actually owning women, by the way? Where do you purchase women? I know where I could rent one, but that’s a whooooole different thing.)

What are the dynamics here? Foundations include:

·         Women can’t choose to stay with a guy so long as she has another option.

·         Women can’t be trusted to remain faithful.

·         Women will leave you in a heartbeat if a “better offer” comes along.

·         Men can prevent the loss of women in relationships by preventing contact with other men.

·         Men need to keep other men away from their women.

·         And by the way, that woman there is YOUR PROPERTY!

As I said, it’s ignorant and stupid. Actually by mistreating women in your life, you are just helping them to choose escape from you. It turns out that the safest way to make sure someone stays with you is to treat them the way they want and need to be treated. A bikini model or a body builder or an actor or a singer won’t have a chance.

Well, maybe in a fantasy, but remember – a fantasy is just a thought. And a thought is merely a thought and nothing more. Just remember to keep your fantasies to yourself unless you want to provoke your significant other to jealousy or insecurity.

So accepting that people will think or believe what they want is a good thing. It frees me from the power those beliefs could have over me. Accepting that folks in relationships need friends and interests outside of the relationship helps maintain boundaries and balance in life. Accepting that a partner has sovereignty over himself or herself relieves me of the compulsion to control them.

And accepting that sometimes I’ll still lapse into the old bad behaviors, fears, and attitudes will help me forgive myself for doing so. Then instead of wallowing in failure, I am free to stand back up and do better next time.

I also can’t control the past or the future. All I can do is control certain things in the present. I need to live in the Here and Now. That’s the next Mindfulness Pillar I’m going to consider.

I hope you can accept that.